First of all, this post was not lifted from The Onion.

Do you think the economy is bad? Do we spend too much on healthcare for people?

Let me introduce you to “Neuticles,” which are, no kidding, testicular prostheses for neutered pets.

According to the product’s website, “Over a half million caring pet owners worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering their beloved pet.”

Neuticles come in dog or cat versions with multiple sizes and the price ranges from $114 to $149 for a pair of polypropylene implants. Solid silicone will cost you from $254 to $299. The “UltraPlus with ScarRetard” will run you up to $449 a pair. If your dog is extremely self-conscious, you may want to go with the UltraPlus model which has an epididymus for an extra $150 per pair.

The implants are also sold individually for pets who don’t mind being lopsided.

The price does not include the veterinarian’s fee for the neutering/implantation procedure.

The company’s slogan is “It’s like nothing ever changed.” Furthermore unlike human medical implants, the folks at Neuticles say this “is a 100% safe and effective alternative option” and claim there have been no complications or rejections of the devices when implanted as directed.

Apparently, they never get infected or need to be removed.

Videos of the procedure are posted on the site. A “drop or two” of penicillin is place on each implant as prophylaxis. In one video, the dog’s package was between two sizes so the owner (no doubt a man) opted for the larger size. The vet in the video says both the owner and the dog are very happy with the choice.

And just what is “ScarRetard”? It’s “a special textured exterior which virtually eliminates the risk of potential scar tissue development.” In case you don’t want to go for the extra cost of “ScarRetard,” the website suggests the owner “gently massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible [scar] formations.” I suspect that advice leads to better sales of the implants with ScarRetard.

Can you imagine the conversation when a guy who works for Neuticles tries to pick up a girl at a bar?

She: “So, what do you do?”
He: “I sort sizes of artificial testicles for dogs and cats.”
She: “Right. Get lost.”

The inventor of this item, Gregg A. Miller, received the “Ig Nobel Prize” for medicine in 2005.

If it’s true that 500,000 have been sold at say $400 per animal, that’s $200 million worth of testicle prostheses for dogs and cats. Who’s laughing now?

Don’t get me started on the doggie treadmill ($699 for the medium version, $899 for the large).

Skeptical Scalpel is a recently retired surgeon and was a surgical department chairman and residency program director for many years. He is board-certified in general surgery and a surgical sub-specialty and has re-certified in both several times. For the last two years, he has been blogging at SkepticalScalpel.blogspot.com and tweeting as @SkepticScalpel. His blog averages 800 page views per day, and he has over 4800 followers on Twitter.

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